Monday, November 23, 2009

New Query for my Fantasy Novel

As many of you are aware, I wrote a fantasy novel. The next step is finding an agent. Simple, huh? Not really. If you are thinking about doing this let me tell you what would be more likely. Getting hit by lightning while finding out you just won the lottery. So, you have one page to wow the agent with your story and credentials. I have no credentials, so I'm boxing Mike Tyson with my hand behind my back (And I don't mean the crying-on-Oprah, fat Tyson either). With this query I need to show a few things without being cliched. I need to show the uniqueness of my story as a fantasy, make the reader care about the main character, and limit confusion among other things. So let me have it. Is this good? If you were an agent, would you ask to read this story and if not, why?


Rasi, once Epertase’s greatest warrior, remains banished to a mountain exile while a seemingly unstoppable army prepares to attack his former homeland. His years of loneliness and anger have driven him near the feral edge of madness with little hope of return. Epertase’s almost certain demise triggers a magical event which may ultimately save the kingdom. Once finished, this event will violently end the corrupt king’s rule, thrusting his just daughter, Princess Alina, into the throne, making way for Rasi’s return.

In the coming power-shift, Rasi sees hope of reclaiming the life he had before the king ripped out his tongue, killed his family, and left him for slaughter by a tentacled beast. With the dead creature’s violent, self-aware tentacles permanently melded to his own back, Rasi vows to control the savage appendages and defend Alina’s kingdom. If he can do so, he will prove his honor, securing his triumphant return to the land he loves. His hopes of a new beginning fade with revelations of a secret legend. From those legends, the power-hungry king learns that sacrificing his daughter will save his throne. He has her kidnapped to mask his own involvement. Now Rasi must save Alina and lead her army against the foreign threat to have any chance at redeeming himself. If he fails, he will hang, Alina will die, and Epertase will surely fall.

I am seeking representation for my finished 95,000-word fantasy novel filled with vivid battle scenes, fantastical creatures, treachery and love. THE LIGHT OF EPERTASE is a stand-alone novel with series potential and is available upon your request.


  1. I have a feeling that I understand the book after reading this. But parts of it does sound rather cliche to me. I'm not sure how you can get around some of the phrases, though.

    Mind if I take a crack at it? Feel free to laugh me off the blog if I'm way off base. :)

  2. You're welcome to give it a try. You can put it here or email it to me if you prefer. It needs to be under 300 words (Preferably 250). I'm working on an improvement right now.

  3. I've changed the query. See what you think of my newer one.

  4. What is the magical event? Why would you hide this from an agent? Try summing up your novel in three captivating sentances - - dropping all the adverbs. Why is he banished? Is the main point to prove his honor? How did he lose it? Your query leaves me with too many unanswered questions with no resolution. Agent don't like to guess where your story is going--they don't have time for that and will most likely move on to the next query.